Is Honesty Really the Best Policy? Disclosing Neurodiversity at Work

Featured image: Pexels Image by Tima Miroshnichenko

The Whole Truth

We are told in childhood that lying is bad and there are many reasons, I think, why even a neurotypical child may be confused by such a maxim. I find it baffling that some neurotypical people cannot understand why some neurodivergent individuals find so-called social rules confusing, because the moral standards drilled into us in our youth don’t matter to everyone in the real world.

It turns out, it’s not as simple as ‘don’t lie’. Not all lies are created equal (sometimes saying what you really think is not appropriate or kind) and some people will always lie, whatever the cost. That’s confusing to some of us, because even if you know your truth is different to other people’s, at the same time some people will act against or in direct opposition to said truth.

Sometimes for your safety, you have to bend your own rules and that can be tricky too. A distinction I wish someone had made clear to me long ago is that not telling the whole truth, is not the same as lying. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not encouraging deception. What I am encouraging is learning that a simple way in which to advocate for yourself and your needs, is recognising that you can control your own narrative.

Pexels image by Henri Mathieu-Saint-Laurent

Prefer Not to Say

My experience as a neurodivergent person is so often that I don’t feel that I have a right to fully participate in the world, in life, because of how grossly inaccessible things are for people like me. It’s so easy to assume that if things are hard, you are the problem, not the mechanisms with which you are trying to work and/or the environment in which you are trying to do your best.

You can choose not to disclose your neurodivergence and you are well within your right to tick ‘prefer not to say’. You are also allowed not to disclose even if you know for quota’s sake, it will guarantee you an interview… you are allowed to make that choice so that you know you have been chosen like any other person would be selected for interview.

But it’s also Okay if you do want to declare it. I feel that inaccessible systems often mean I have to work much harder to explain or justify adjustments I am already entitled to. The thing is though, even though you know you are entitled to adjustments and that they may make the working world easier for you, sometimes drawing attention to yourself in that way, feels supremely unsafe. It’s not always a case of, ‘well if you need it, why wouldn’t you ask for it?’ The answer is that you can’t unbake a cake… the cat is out of the bag and it isn’t going back in.

Pexels Image by Iryna Rosokhata

What’s Your Biggest Weakness?

“I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses.” ~ Rhett McLaughlin

I know why they ask this question, but I don’t like it. It prompts honesty… it prompts honesty in the form of verbal diarrhoea. I think it unlikely that interviewers that ask it are trying to catch you out: they are trying to see if you can reflect, if you are aware of the need we all have to grow and build upon our skills.

I don’t think I have learned how not to tell my life story when they ask this question. After I was forced to leave a job that nearly stole every morsel of me, I made the decision that I would always share my neurodivergence from that moment on, before a would-be employer had the opportunity to hire me.

That has become one of my safety nets in surfing the tangled web that is job hunting and recruitment. I’ve become a reframer. I talk about how my neurodivergence has become my strength, my resilience, my tenacity, not my weakness, my struggles, my deficiencies.

What I have also become…. an unintended side effect I can assure you, is a walking biographer. And I didn’t ever want to be that person… who tells their life story to everyone they meet. I think neurodivergent people often struggle with over sharing because it’s difficult striking a balance between being able to be social or not social at all. Who knew that what you share with certain people, in certain situations, can change massively based on the context?

Why do you want to work with children?

Well, when I was twelve…

It is illegal to discriminate against someone because they are neurodivergent, but knowing that someone may choose not to invite me to interview or hire me, because I am vocal about my identity as a neurodivergent person, is almost an indicator test. If they choose not to hire me… or not to invite me to interview, the response will likely be the same as it is for every candidate. They call it equal opportunities.

So often I have been told that it’s not company policy to hand out personalised feedback. I am happy not knowing, but also thinking to myself, that if they chose to reject my application because my brain just works a bit differently… well, I don’t want to work for a company like that anyway.

Do you actually care? Or do you want me to think that you do?

That’s what I worry about people thinking… because unfortunately some people are not supportive of the neurodivergent community. I would however rather take the risk.

Social scripts are hard. And if they don’t work for you as they are, then change them. Make them work for you, because you owe it to yourself. To use your identity, your strengths, every part of who you are, to your advantage.

Disclosure should always be a personal choice, and workplaces have a responsibility to make that choice feel safer through clear, respectful and genuinely inclusive practice.

If you choose to disclose, do so for yourself alone and if the person who hears that news is threatened by it, they are not deserving of you.